By training and trade I am a professional actor and a touring musician. I have been a freelance graphic designer, a high school teacher, a retail manager, an executive assistant to a powerful New York businessman and the same for a vice president of a teaching hospital. I have taught music to toddlers, I have pulled coffee, I have sold merchandise at Broadway shows, I have temped, subbed, sold, assisted, designed, and yessed. I even worked in a bakery for a week (totally not my bag). Risk is familiar to me. Vulnerability is familiar to me. Fear is familiar to me. These are my closest friends and deepest enemies most days. I have always been the commodity I’m selling.
When I say I am having a mid-life crisis, I am only partially joking. The truth is that I have reached a saturation point. I’ve hit my limit of putting my actual self out to be judged and considered and criticized and torn up and down.
Today a neighbor walked her wonderful dogs past the house as I was planting. To be honest, she’s probably walked by a lot more, but I’ve been buried in my podcasts and dirt. We chatted for a minute and I mentioned for the first time to a complete stranger that starting in late June or July there would likely be flowers for sale on a stand at the house and she said she couldn’t wait to walk down and buy flowers when the time came.
As she walked away I thought “WHAT did I just do??!” I don’t think I’m unique in that I prepare myself for failure all the time. That I have already rationalized all of the ways this just won’t work. But I rarely give myself permission to plan for success. But what if it works… what if it all works.
Here’s what’s beautiful around here this week…